Parentified and People Pleasing: When “Perfect” Feels Like the Only Way to Handle Conflict

I grew up in a family where my parents got divorced when I was 14. I was going through puberty, starting my first year of high school, and felt an intense sense of pressure after I received that news to become a young adult overnight. I hadn’t realized there were ruptures in their relationship and felt like a complete shock to me.

Conflict was shown as angry yelling, or withdrawn sadness, and felt completely confusing to me as a teenager trying to understand a normal part of human relationships. I didn’t like either of those options and avoided conflict and my feelings altogether. I later learned the skills to address conflict by going to therapy myself and learned about it in school when I became a therapist. 

The therapy term for taking on adult responsibilities too early is a parentified child. It means a child takes on adult emotional, mental, or practical responsibilities before they are ready to cope with overwhelm. There is an unconscious expectation to try to do everything perfectly because the child’s safety and sense of worthiness depend on doing tasks they see adults do effortlessly.

Growing up in a parentified role often meant: 

•  Mistakes felt dangerous. The child could face a parent’s anger, chaos, emotional withdrawal, or blame, so perfection becomes a shield.

•  Keeping the peace is crucial. The child isn’t allowed to show frustration, express needs, or be a child, so to maintain stability conflict is something they try to prevent.

• Other’s feelings are more important. The child becomes trained to manage the emotional climate, so it becomes difficult to believe that conflict can be healthy or shared. 

‍

‍

As an adult, these childhood strategies often turn into:

• Avoiding conflict entirely.

• Over-preparing for simple conversations.

• Rehearsing what to say until it feels “perfect”.

• Feeling ashamed to stumble, get emotional, or make   mistakes.

• Sacrifice needs to keep others content.

‍

Healing starts with realizing something simple but radical. Conflict is a process, not a perfect script, moment, tone, or maintaining complete emotional control. Healthy conflict starts by learning how to be present, honest, and stay in communication. This will bring up discomfort, so learning how to tolerate discomfort is part of the process of trying something new.

Communication skills parentified adults can learn:

• Naming your needs. This can start with phrases like “I’d like to share something with you,” or “here’s what I’m needing right now” or “I’d like to talk about something”.

• Practicing “good enough” communication. This can start with a phrase like “I might not say this perfectly, but here’s what I’m trying to express”.

• Setting boundaries without apologizing. This can start with phrases like “I can’t do that right now” or “that doesn’t work for me” or “no”.

• Checking in with yourself. This can start with phrases like “what am I feeling in my body?” or “do I need to take a break?” or “do I still feel grounded?”.

‍

Repair is Allowed: You Don't Have to Get It Right the First Time

A transformative skill is to learn to repair after there is a rupture in a relationship. Revisiting a conversation is allowed, asking for clarification is essential, and knowing that adding more information over time is part of the process. Learning to repair is part of developing maturity, and your worth isn’t tied only to doing, saying, and feeling in a perfect way.

A crucial part of my healing journey was realizing that I am no longer a child managing unpredictable parents anymore. I can choose adult relationships where my voice, needs, and emotion deserve space. I learned how to communicate more easily, with less shut down, and address conflict in ways that feel safe.

As a therapist, I bring together lived experience, clinical training, and a compassionate curiosity about the human spirit. My work is grounded in the belief that healing happens in safe, supportive relationships where voices, needs, and emotions are honored. I help adults who grew up in parentified roles rediscover healthier ways of relating. 

I see therapy as a collaborative journey where growth unfolds through presence, repair, and the courage to be imperfect. If you’re seeking a therapist who values warmth, curiosity, and care, I would be honored to walk alongside you as you learn to navigate conflict and relationships with greater ease and confidence.

‍